Space Inside My Heart.

I rocked you to sleep tonight, dear one, and listened with tears in my eyes to the sound of your sweet breath as you faded into the night and were carried away into the clouds with your dreams.

I held you and I cried, for you have been my dream.

You were the beginning of me in every essence as a Mother, the years I hoped and prayed for you, desperate to know you’d be mine one day until the one day there you were.
You opened my heart, my eyes, my mind and my soul to life anew, and with each joyful and tiring day, I would see you drift off to sleep and thank the Lord for blessing me with my son.

We stand at the dawn of a new era for you and I. My heart aches when I worry you will be confused, or insecure, or in any way question how deep my love can go for you. My worry paces in the back of my mind like an anxious man; how will my heart love her as much you? Is there space inside my heart for you both? How will my heart possibly expand any further than to the extremes you have shown me of love to include her? How can love go any further than what I feel for you?

You have been my everything. You will always be my everything. How can a mother’s heart grow any more? And yet I know she has already carved out her space in the ever-growing, ever-expanding, ever-swelling-with-pride-and-love space inside my heart. A space I could never have imagined if you had not unlocked it with your presence; a space that began because you laid its foundations.

Sam, you will always have my heart. Thank you for showing me just how big it could be.
I can’t wait to see how it expands when she arrives, and I know I will find new depths of my love for you, for her, and all the space inside my heart I need to carry you both with me at all times.

Love, Mum.

x

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image by Jess McCall Photography

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The Waiting And The Wondering…

Dear Baby Girl,

We are 31 weeks along in our journey together, and only a few short weeks away from meeting face to face. You’re still busy growing and developing in there, and I want you to stay in as long as possible but I know our chances are less than others of achieving this.

Today I saw your face. We had an ultrasound and the 4D scan showed your beautiful little features up so clearly that I found myself in absolute awe that I can tell what you look like while you’re still inside of my womb. It’s a wonderful experience, but still pales to the first time I will see you eye to eye when you join us here in this bright and beautiful world.

I sit and wonder when you’ll arrive. Will you be early like your brother, who came gently but rushed into our lives at 33 weeks and 6 days? Will you be more dramatic in your entrance? Will I go into labour or be brought on? I can’t wait to hold you in my arms for the first time, to whisper my hello and give you your name.

I wonder if you’ll look like me even a little bit? Sam was so much your Daddy, and still is. I wonder if you’ll have his blue eyes and sandy brown hair or if some of my darker skin, eyes and hair will make up your features.

I wonder if you’ll be as gentle as Sam. I wonder if you’ll be shy. Or a free spirit that makes friends everywhere. I wonder if you’ll have the music in you, or whether your passions will lie elsewhere.

I wonder what my life will be like having a daughter? If I’ll be as good a mother as I hope I can be?

All I can do is wait in wonder for you, my miracle girl. The road has been long and arduous to get you here. I can’t wait to meet you there. You will be worth every second and every struggle, a million times over. My heart already belongs to you.

Love, Mama. Xx

The Beginnings Of You.

My Beautiful Baby Girl,

We are counting down the weeks til you arrive. It feels like this pregnancy has been one of the hardest, most trying times of my life. I have been in hospital, I haven’t been able to consistently work, we have had so many battles forced upon us, moved house, been to court and yet still I await your arrival with anticipation.

I’m not going to lie; while it feels as if these past 7 months would have been a lot easier on me mentally and phsyically if you weren’t forming inside me, I know I wouldn’t have had the hope I have because I know when you arrive, that all of these things will fall away and all I will see is how wonderful life is with you in it. See, I won’t remember how much I struggled to get you here. I won’t think about the stress I was under when we moved house, or how some days I didn’t think I would make it through without falling apart. Because I know when I hold you in my arms, all of that will be meaningless in the light of you.

You were our silver lining in the storm and I believe you always will be. Like your brother Sam, we know you will be the source of all of our joy, making those hard days worth every moment to have you here with us. Even now as I feel you dancing within me, I am whole because you exist.

Your Dad and I can’t wait to see your face, and I can’t wait to hold you to my heart and whisper your name.

Waiting with beautiful anticipation,

Your Mama.

x

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Bittersweet.

I took you to the park today, your favourite thing in the world is being outside surrounded by birds, trees, seeing planes fly over and cars drive by. You greet each car with an enthusiastic wave, a smile that could stop traffic and an emphatic identification that it is, indeed, a car.

My heart melts when you are in the sunshine, Sam. Because it is such a reflection of who you are as my child. Your joyful, playful and cheeky nature is so perfectly balanced by your sweetness and sensitivity, that when I see you in your element, face alight with joy, I am complete in that moment.

All the weight of the weeks passed, days where I’ve barely hung on to my sanity and self, days where you learn to express your will in typical two year old ways and I am the sounding board, they all evaporate and all I see is your joyful heart as you take in this big wide world with so much wonder and gratitude.

It’s bittersweet, these hours, these days. Soon our special dance will be interrupted and we will have to learn to welcome a new dance partner to our bond, when your baby sister arrives. I am so excited to introduce you to her, but I am so sad to be letting go of this phase of us: where you and I are it, and you’re my baby. My one and only. So I cherish these days, the ones where you light up with joy over the simple things we do together. And I try not to cry when out of the blue you just decide it’s time for “cuggles” with Mummy, and you hold me so tight with your little hands, as if I am your whole world and don’t let go.

I cherish the silent moments as you drift to sleep in my arms, even though my back aches and I desperately need the bathroom, or a hot shower, or all the things I haven’t had a chance to do in amongst being your mum today. And I linger these days just a little bit longer because I know our time, the time of just us is coming to an end, and although I am not ready, I know it is coming.

You will always be my baby, Sam. And I promise to always look for chances to dance in the sun with you, even when our family grows.

She.

She caught me by surprise. I thought she was another brother for Sammy. I thought she would bring me a pregnancy of relative ease. I thought I’d be fine.

She brought with her hyperemisis Gravidarum, fatigue, but joy.

And I can’t wait to meet her.

Princess Skywalker, coming soon 🙂

Choose Kindness.

You were the time divider. Before you. After you. And my world was shifted on its axis.
Love became the depth of all of the seas combined, a force stronger than gravity, richer than all the flavours of the world.
All I see now is you.

How can I teach you that goodness and mercy are not weakness, when all the world does is scream indignation and rage?
I hope you choose love all of your days.

I hope you put your ego aside and step away from those who beat their chests in pride.
I hope you put out your hand to help another up, even if they trick you after.
I hope you hold your tongue and let love win instead of needing the last word.
I hope, when you see others hurting, you are moved to help them and not mock from your place of success.
I hope you love yourself enough not to be pushed around by those who do not deserve you, and walk away from those who are out for your ruin.

But most of all, I hope you always choose to be kind.
No one is remembered for winning arguments.
People only remember love.

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The Last Word. 

We built a fire;

I, for warmth. 

We built a fire;

Yours, for scorn. 

And we built it, 

Built it with our hands

And we stoked it,

Stoked it with our plans. 

We built a fire;

I, for light. 

We built a fire;

Yours for pride. 

And you stoked it,

Stoked it with your hurt

And I stoked it

Stoked it, with my words. 

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down

You can have the last word. 

We built a fire;

To start this fight. 

We built a fire;

Now it burns us alive…

You can have the last word. 

I’ll take my words as kindling,

And burn them all, a silent offering

You can have the last word. 

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down

You can have the last word.

You can have the last word.