Made.

“It’s no secret that I’m extremely cautious when choosing friends. This is in part because I’ve been burned so many times, but it’s mainly because of my temperament. I have to guard my emotions so tightly because out of those emotions I create, and out of that creation comes influence in the world around me. And the last thing I want is to be creating a negative cry for this generation through my music. So I choose. cautiously. And I know that although I might miss out of some really fun friendships because of it, I also know that this is the price I pay for wearing the mantle God has placed on me to write songs that change a generation.”

“I feel like so many people here think I’m this horribly broken person. And yes, I have broken parts that God needs to fix with me, but for the most part I came here feeling very secure in who I am and what I want to do in life. Being here has really stripped a lot of that certainty down and left it still there, but only just. Everyone in the chuch keeps suggesting ways for me to be better but I never feel like they’re said in a loving way. I always feel criticized and defensive, and I never want to be a person always on the defensive. I know it’s no secret that people think I’m difficult. I’m fully aware that us “Andersons” have a reputation around the place. Some aspects of this reputation may be fair, while in my opinion other parts are just opinion bashing, stereotyping, and an unwillingness to hear my side of the story.”

“I’m well aware of how who I am affects the people and the environment around me. I’m aware of my strengths, my weaknesses, it’s very hard to tell me anything about myself that I don’t already know. And that is not said in a proud way. It’s said in an overwhelmed way. Quite simply, the amount of thought I put into myself is completely overwhelming. And people wonder why I don’t sleep well. I feel like I constantly have to apologize for being who I was made to be.

And then I get upset with myself because I know worrying about these things is stupid, and useless, and doesn’t fix it. I know God can do anything. I wish he would. Maybe I’m not letting him. But I’m hurting because of the way I feel I’ve been treated. It is very confusing for me, to believe in something so much but to walk with a limp because of it. “

“I have to believe that this all is for something great. God does weird things. Car accidents that revolutionize your life. Moves that break you down and reduce you to nothing just so he can get closest to you. I’m trying to believe. I’m getting there. Slowly.”

 

The above statements were written by me to various friends in various emails from 2007 to the present.

I stand by every single word.

I will not apologize. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

 

Image

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s