Everything Not To.

Big breath.

About 6 months ago I began a journey into what I, with my breath held, had hoped to be the doorway into the life I had always dreamed would be mine.
It started off with a simple idea, one with which I felt I had nothing to lose but everything to gain.
So I took the carefully measured step, feeling pretty secure in myself and my ability to bounce back should this opportunity not work out the way I had hoped. All in all I felt I was mature enough to handle any failure with regard to my musical aspirations, and I held a sense of detachment that I believed would preserve me for future disappointment should it arise.

Now, Present day, and I am faced with the disappointment that comes from allowing myself to hope, to dare to believe that this stupid journey I have found myself being dragged through these past 10 years had meant something; had been for something other than God’s, or anyone’s sense of amusement. I made the mistake of believing that my dreams, my hopes, the things I had kept deep in my heart for the years of my life could come to pass, and that all the painful lessons I had learned thus far would serve me well.

Only now I find myself sinking a little. Sinking a lot. Because I really did believe it. I actually thought things would work out the way I had desperately hoped they would. And yet, here I am, same day to day reality, same despair, same soul crushing defeat as the last time I let myself dream.

See, it’s not that I don’t think people should dream. Dreaming and believing is absolutely essential to the human spirit’s survival. Without it, we wither. Our passions become obsessions, taunting us with their distance, reminding us that we are nothing, that we came from dust and to dust we shall return.

I guess it’s just… Well, I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut and this time I’m really not sure I can be bothered to pick myself up again.

But here’s the worst part: I will. Because it is simply not in my nature to roll over and admit defeat. Because I want this thing so damn badly that I will endure rejection after rejection, failure after failure, kick after kick just so I can keep dreaming of the day it becomes a reality.
I will dust myself off yet again, exhale, and then breathe another deep breath as I run head first into the onslaught of daring to dream, outrageously and beyond reason.

I will. Eventually. But right now I’m a little tender.

God, help me get up again.



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