The past month of my life has been…. difficult. You may or may not have worked this out if you read and follow my blog here. I’ve struggled physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and the struggle continues each day. Thankfully, I am surrounded by so much love it is impossible to give up, even though I would really like to most days.
The other night I was in the pit of my depression, feeling generally pretty sorry for myself. I let myself have a bit of a cry, which seems to happen a lot these days, but never feels like it’s enough. It’s like letting out tiny built up steam pockets to stop yourself from exploding completely. And my husband was sitting with me. Gosh I am thankful for him.
When confronted with all these events, the fatigue, the depression, the battle that goes on in my mind, I always ask myself why these things are happening. Am I causing them? Is something external causing them? What can I do to eliminate some of the problems and improve my circumstances? What thoughts do I need to challenge to come out on top? But even with all the answers to any one of these questions, I come back to the first: Why are these things happening TO ME?
It’s no secret that my life has been pretty tough the last couple of years. I’ve battled numerous chronic illnesses, moved across the country to start life all over again, lost my brother to cancer (in a very public way), been financially stretched to breaking point a number of times. And I’ve also been really blessed. Married by best friend. Made new friends in my new life. Learned the strength I have to rise above my illnesses, time and time again, seen my brother’s legacy live on, managed to pay all our bills and keep a roof over my head and food in my belly. But I guess I’ve always believed that there was a point to the adversity.
Now I’m a few days off turning 31, I’m starting to wonder if there is.
What if life is just… shit?
When people say everything happens for a reason, something good is just around the corner, etc etc, the optimist in me chooses to agree, and holds onto the thought like a last hope. We believe that pain must give way to healing, bad things always preceed the good, that struggle is necessary for breakthrough.
And as my husband sat with me, he said this exact thing: Maybe this is happening because something really good is just about to happen.
God love him for turning my thoughts upward. I really do. But the REALIST in me is starting to think… But, what if it’s not?
What if in reality, shit just happens. And it doesn’t mean anything? What if you just get sick, struggle your way through life, broke and tired, and then die?
I’m pretty sure a lot of people live like that.
I don’t really have a point or a circular line of thinking to follow here. I’m just musing.
Something good is around the corner.
Something great is about to happen.
You’re being tested for your reward.
Something good is coming.
But what if it’s not?