It wasn’t a remarkable day or moment in time,
just me carrying on as you expected us to in our everyday lives after you left
but I was suddenly struck by the stranger whose feet lay at mine
in the crowded underground of parliament station.
I caught my breath for just a second;
the shape wasn’t quite right, but close enough,
the cut wasn’t exact but near enough to draw my breathing still
as I found myself staring at this man’s legs and shoes and remembering you.
I imagined I would be thought insane if anyone in this crowded carriage could hear my thoughts,
if they knew I was finding you in the cut of one’s jeans or the shape and type of one’s shoes
Mad enough to take a sneaky photograph of it, even stranger still.
But I find comfort in the madness of seeing you in the everyday
and for a split second I like to close my eyes and pretend you never had to leave.
I imagine what conversations we would be having these days,
what you would think of the world I live in now
I almost hear your familiar outrage at the injustice of it all
and I smile because I feel comfort in that.
I imagine pouring my heart out to you; a heart very few ever understood.
I’d tell you all my hurts and injustices, and you’d rise to fight for me
because you knew me inside and out
because we were made of the same.
It’s funny how the days drag, but life goes by so quickly
It’s as if you blinked and the years flew by;
in my heart they crawled through every minute without you;
The world grew darker without your light.
So for the smallest space, one unpleasant carriage ride full of humanity
all trying to find their way home;
unmasking themselves after a day of pretending
in offices and jobs that crush the soul,
I see you for a few minutes, if I squint, if I imagine, if I pretend.
You are here, standing beside me, feeling the same way I feel
and riding this train all the way home.
I will never not think of you, look for you, find you in these places.
They are all I have left.
I hope they never fade;
Precious reminders of you as I journey home from Parliament station.