Dear friends and followers,
It is with the most joy that I announce that Stu and I are expecting a beautiful baby boy in June 2016.
Having known about this for quite some time before it became public, I’ve been blogging my thoughts and feelings during the first trimester. Thank you for those of you who are almost as excited by this news as we are. It’s been a long time between breaths for me in many ways, it is so wonderful to have something this real to look forward to and to enjoy.
It’s been four days since I found out that you are going to be part of my world and I am so excited to be your mum. It’s really scary looking at all the lists and things that I’ll need to do in order to make sure you’re as healthy and strong as you can be, but I’m going to do every thing I can possibly do to see you brought to me safely.
I am sorry that I already know I’ll fail you in some areas. It kills me to admit this but I am not in control of my diabetes on good days without being pregnant, and my most recent blood tests show my average sugar level is much, much too high. I am terrified that my failure as a diabetic will hurt you, and if that happened I could never forgive myself.
Life before we had you was pretty hard for me. My health hasn’t been very nice to me over the years and living with a low immune system means I’m pretty sick and very tired a lot, but you’ve given me a new energy to get through it. Today I am home sick from work with a cold and all I can think about is you. Am I eating enough? Am I eating the right things? Should I eat less? Will my cold affect your tiny, 4 week old body? It’s very scary for me and I’m trying so hard to keep positive and believe the best. You are a dream come true for me and we are very lucky to have fallen pregnant with you as quickly as we did. I took three tests to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, that you are real. And you are.
So now your Daddy and I have 8 months to prepare for your arrival, and I am out of my mind with excitement. Fear. Joy. Worry. But mostly joy. See, I didn’t think I would be able to have you. My body has let me down in so many ways I figured being able to have a baby would be just another way it messed me up. So you are a miracle for me. Even if the odds weren’t against us, you would still be. In my mind I imagine you in my arms, and my life makes sense now. It’s really hard not to shout it from the rooftops, because I want everyone to know about my miracle, because you are the first joy, first real joy I’ve felt in nearly 3 years. But Daddy is being smart and I’m trying my best to keep my excitement under wraps until we know you’re safe and in the clear.
I’ll tell you more about me and your Daddy a bit later. I just wanted to tell you that you are so loved and so wanted and I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t wait to have my life changed by you, little Junior Burger. (For the record, your Dad chose that nickname, not me… but I kinda like it!)
Love you deeper than the seas,
Today marks your 6 week development. My numerous pregnancy apps tell me that you are now the size of a lentil, which is really of little help to me, since I’m pretty sure I’ve never eaten nor seen one in my entire life. But I will go on a mission to find something to scale it to, if not to find one just so I can marvel at the time you fit in the palm of my hand with room to spare.
This week I’ve been keeping Daddy amused by informing him of your developments. Or more correctly, giggling hysterically at the words used to describe your development. You have a beating heart, a formed and closed neural tube and brain, and your ears are starting to develop. The funniest part to me was your ‘arm buds’. If I was to have an ultrasound I’d be able to see your arm buds and tail, which sent me into a giggle fit at the thought of you having tiny little nubbly arms.
I’m sorry to tell you that for the rest of your days, you’ll probably be rolling your eyes at these kinds of things; your Mum has a weird sense of humour that not everyone understands or appreciates. And that’s something I want to tell you, my love. In this life, who you are will not always translate to the world around you.
Right now, your Mum is 32 years old and has a pretty good sense of who she is and what she wants from this life. It has taken me a long time and a lot of tears to come to this point, learning to not only accept yourself but to love who you are is a hard thing in this life. As you grow up, there’s going to be a lot of voices trying to tell you who you should be, what you should do, think, feel, the things you should value in this world. I’m here to tell you that the only one who can truly tell you that is the little voice inside you. Listen for that voice, and learn to trust it over all others. That little voice is called a lot of things by a lot of people. I call it two things: 1) Your intuition and 2) The Holy Spirit.
See when you were made in my womb, the Holy Spirit was with you, and He has been talking to your little spirit while you grow. He is our helper, and he knows who we are inside and out. Even better, he also knows who we are destined to be and every day he is telling you that while you form inside me. So when you arrive here in this world, you have the Holy Spirit to help you; He is the voice inside of you, who guides your intuition and shapes your choices. He will be the best guide for you, so learn how to listen to him as much as you can.
Sometimes, who you are and what you are, the way you are is going to rub people the wrong way. Believe me when I say you can always talk to me about this because I truly understand how hard it is to be so unique in a world demanding you be the same as everyone else. See, baby, when you know who you are because the Holy Spirit has told you and breathed it into your very being, it’s very hard to hear that it isn’t what some people might like. I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to trust your inside voice. And it’s ok to be different.
I read a quote today that said this:
“The purpose of life is not to just be happy. The purpose of life my love, is to feel. You must understand that your pain, is essential.”
This is so true, my little one. Life can be very painful. And if you’re anything like your Mum, you’re probably going to feel that pain a lot deeper than most others. The world will try to tell you that’s a weakness in you, but I’m here to tell you that it’s a strength. See baby, when you understand pain, you understand love. You see a picture of how our Father in Heaven loved us so much that he sent his own son Jesus to feel the worst kinds of pain imaginable so that we could live. Jesus felt every single emotion you’ll ever feel as you grow up, because he loved us so. Pain is something you only feel when you love. Pain is something that tells us there is more to life, and that we deserve it. Pain should drive us to love deeper and more passionately than ever. Otherwise there is no point.
People will ask what the meaning of life is, and I can’t say for sure, but over my years on this earth, I’ve started to understand that it all comes back to love.
So baby, find out who you are and do it on purpose. Listen to the little voice inside you. Love deeply and passionately. Be real. Feel what you feel. I promise you there is no other way to truly live. And know that you can always ask me to remind you of who you truly are inside. You are immeasurably loved for exactly that.
Love you deeper than the seas,
I don’t know if I’ll ever get used to the idea that you’re coming. There are days when the reality of what is about to change hits me and makes me so afraid. But then there are days like today when I see you on the screen, moving, wriggling, heart beating and organs fully formed and I am rendered absolutely amazed at the tiny world growing inside of me.
Watching you grow is incredible, and the peace that I feel when I see you, heart beating, furrowing your brow, moving your little hands and toes… well, it’s worth every moment of the fear.
To me, you are perfect…
“My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
Psalm 139 v 15 – 17