When The Storm Clouds Gather

____________________________ 29 Weeks _____________________________

Hey little one,

It’s been a while since I had the time and energy to gather my thoughts to you. A lot has been going on for your Dad and I this year. I had been so caught up in the bliss of your development and so looking forward to your arrival that it felt like nothing could dampen my joy.

Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case in life as we have found out time and time again. Only this time, I’ve had surging hormones and anxiety, plus the physical changes my body is going through to prepare for your arrival to add into the mix. So it’s been less peaceful than usual in my heart of late, I have wondered if my raised pulse and changing adrenaline levels have registered in your little room. I hope for the most part you’ve only felt the love and joy I have for you and not the fear or anxiety I’ve felt lately.

So I’ll start from the beginning. Right when we found out you were going to be in our lives, we also found out that your Daddy’s mum, your Grandma Julie was sick. But it looked positive, especially when compared with what your Uncle Kristian was up against when he was sick with the same disease. The doctors gave your Grandma good odds and laid out a plan to get her better so she could meet you, something she had always wanted very much, even before you were conceived.

A few months later, your Grandma couldn’t fight anymore and she began to get very tired and sicker. But the doctors were still hopeful she would make a full recovery. Your Dad and I made plans to go and visit your Grammy and Pa over in Western Australia for what would be our last holiday without you in our lives. Only, three days before we left, the doctors told your Grandma that she was very sick, and that her body was shutting down and that she was going to die very quickly. We weren’t sure what to do, but decided to press on with our visit to Perth and hope that Grandma Julie would be there when we came back in a little while.

Grandma Julie died four days later, one day after we arrived to see Grammy and Pa. So your Daddy flew back early to say goodbye. Losing your Mum is a very sad thing that people go through, so your Daddy was very sad, and I was too, because you would never get to meet her and know how much she would love you.

We had so hoped she would be ok, having grandchildren was something she had talked about for a very long time, even before your Dad and I were married. She was a very determined lady, she had fought very hard for her life over the years and we believed she would make it through, so it’s been very strange for us to get used to the fact that she is no longer with us. It is something I think I will feel much more strongly when you arrive. That is now two family members who were taken from this world before they got to meet you. That makes me very sad.

This week, I finished working for a little while, which was something I have been looking forward to, especially now that I’m getting much bigger and you’re growing so strongly. I have been looking forward to resting, preparing our house for your arrival, sorting through the beautiful gifts we have been given for you from so many wonderful friends and family. Unfortunately we have been told that the people who own our house would like to sell it, and you’re due to arrive very soon. Again, I’m sure you’ve felt my rising heart rate and surging adrenaline since this came into play. I feel a bit like my time to rest has been taken away, and now instead I am faced with the enormous task of making sure our home is clean all the time and allowing strange people to come into my home whenever someone else decides they can. It’s very upsetting for me baby, I am sorry that my peaceful and calm demeanour has changed so much this week. I wanted to bring you into an environment filled with peace and joy, not one of stress and worry.

But here’s the thing, baby. If I’ve learned one thing throughout the trials in my life, it’s that storms come. And while it’s important to feel how you feel, it’s even more important to trust the one who commands the storm to obey. Sometimes when I get very anxious I forget that I know him so well; that He loves you and your Daddy and I so very much that he has everything already under control. So when the storm clouds gather, which they inevitably will in life, we need to learn to trust Him. Yes, brace, yes, feel what you feel. But know deep down inside that at one word, the storms will cease and everything will be calm again.

Sometimes it’s not easy to stop being afraid. Especially when the storm clouds are dark, and scary and you can’t see the sun or imagine seeing it again. But I hope I am able to teach you by example that trusting the one who commands the storm is how you survive.

That doesn’t mean there won’t be storms. It just means you’ll never be left washed up on the rocks. It means that one day you will sail into calm seas, and see the sun again.

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I love you SO much and I can’t wait to meet you. Soon.

Mum.

 

“Who is this man?” they asked. “Even the winds and waves obey him!”

 

 

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