The Best One Yet.

Dear Sam,

Tomorrow I finally return to work after taking just over a year off for Maternity leave. I’ve had to push it back a few times now due to some health issues, and while tomorrow is looming and I am not looking forward to rising at 5:30am, (you golden child, you very rarely wake this early!) it’s been a good year and I’ve been reflecting on how wonderful my life has become now that you are a part of it.

Where do I start? I guess with you, Sam. I can’t ever have imagined a life so rich, so full and so hectic as the one we now have. Everything I thought about parenting has been re-thought, re-imagined and re-discovered with every passing month of my time with you. I’ve found levels of strength, determination, patience, grit and passion I actually didn’t know I had within me, and I’ve valued every learning curve, no matter how sharp it has been.

I don’t regret taking the full year to be with you, even though you did start at daycare before I ended up returning to work. Every day we spend together, no matter how tiring is one where my heart sings; a rich melody laced with every possible emotion one can feel. I feel fierce protection toward you, that in the blink of an eye can flip over and become uncontrollable gratitude, ugly crying and all. Although financially it may not have been the wisest choice, those months are months I will never get back with you, and I will store them in my deepest memories as cherished, precious and beautiful.

Watching you grow has been breath-taking. Your personality unfolds like a flower every day, and every new phase we enter I think to myself “This is the best one yet.” My heart is ever-expanding, ever-renewing, ever-learning to love you.

We’ve made so many amazing friends in this year, from friends we already knew and grew closer to, to the strangers who we grew to love, as they went through this journey with us hand in hand – our mother’s group. It has been such an enriching experience to do life with those women. I pray many years from now we are all still hanging out, you laughing as you do with Tom, and the others climbing all over you as you hang patiently with them all. I could not have made it through this year without these people. My village. We were blessed, little man. So blessed.

You are so, so loved, baby Bear. I know you feel it, because your face lights up every time those who love you are around. You sleep like a dream, your temperament quiets my busy mind. You have radically changed my heart in the most irreversible way possible.

So as I go back to work, a job my heart isn’t really in, I will carry your picture with me to remind me of what I’m working for; our future as a family, our home as we build it, literally and metaphorically, and you. You are the best reason I’ve ever had to work hard. And you are the best one yet.

Thank you for this past year Sam. It has been everything I could have hoped it would be. It was truly the best one yet.

Here’s to our new chapter as a family. I do everything for you.



I’m Not Ready. 

My Dear Sam, 

Tomorrow you start daycare. I go back to work soon and I know it’s important for my peace of mind to be close by as you embark on this new stage of your little life, so I am starting you a few weeks early.  

I’m not ready to let you go. 

I’m not ready to not be the one raising you, teaching you, holding you. But I know you are ready to learn new things and have new horizons open before you. 

I can’t believe you’re 10 months old. When I remember the haze of love and newness that surrounded me when you were born it feels like it was a lifetime ago but only just yesterday. I remember the overwhelming journey in front of me, of keeping you safe and happy and healthy. Now it feels like second nature because I know what I’m doing now. We have been dance partners learning the steps together and we’ve taught each other along the way. But now it’s time for someone else to cut in on our dance. 

I am not ready. 

I will never be ready to let you go on ahead without me in this life. But I know you’ll be cared for and safe and that you’re about to have your little mind opened up and taught so many new things and I am excited for you. 

I wish I could be your sole teacher during the days. But I am building our house as a family by returning to work, creating a future for you where you can be and do anything you desire and always have a safe home to return to. 

As much as it is up to me and your Father, you will not want for anything. 

So my darling little bear, tomorrow will be a day of firsts for both of us, but I sense not the last of heartbreak only a mother can feel when her little one steps one more step in the direction of growing up. 

I’m going to miss you so deeply. But I know it will teach me to treasure our moments together even more so. So treasure them I shall. 

I miss you already. 

9 Glorious Months

Nine glorious months;
It’s the length of time it takes to grow a fully functioning human being.
It’s the time we’ve spent with you
In all your glorious, living colour.
You were ready at 7.5 months to enter this world
But my heart will never be ready for you to grow as fast as you do
Nor will it ever be big enough to contain all the love I have for you, our miracle.
“I asked the Lord for this child and he has given me my heart’s desire.”
God has heard.
You are his answer.
Happy 9 months baby bear. I love you with all the force of the universes combined.

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Auld Lang Syne. 

I’m laying on the beach at Scarborough, Western Australia typing this on my iPhone. That statement in itself should tell you how blessed I am. 2016 has been a tough year for many people I love, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, I am not one who struggled through the year that has been. I entered 2016 already ahead in excitement, 2 and a half months pregnant with our first child. I had all my life dreamed of having children, but life with type 1 diabetes, polycystic ovarian syndrome and other health issues did not set me up for an easy road to motherhood. We were blessed to fall on our first attempt, and I was especially blessed with an uncomplicated first trimester. No morning sickness, generally feeling well and had tight control of my diabetes. 

2016 was the year we were going to become parents to a beautiful little boy and I couldn’t wait. 

 I enjoyed my pregnancy immensely, despite commuting in the heat of summer and finding it quite anxiety inducing thanks to Metro’s best efforts to delay my journeys as much as possible. Every day I would enjoy for the first time seeing myself through new eyes. Where I had previously loathed my stomach and wished it smaller, (it was never flat) I began to marvel at its ever expanding size, enjoying the growing bump and all the little jumps inside it. I stopped looking in the mirror and sucking my stomach in; wishing for a different body, and started loving it for exactly what it was: a perfect place to grow a human life. 

Gone were the days I looked at myself and groaned. I now looked in the mirror and saw myself with pride – as a fearfully and wonderfully made woman growing into a mother with every passing day. I enjoyed the looks of strangers who noticed I was pregnant instead of dreading if they were wondering if I was, or if I just had a pot belly. 

 March arrived, and Stu and I headed to Perth to have our last holiday together alone. Two days before we flew out we were presented with the sad news that Stu’s Mum Julie was given a few weeks to live. The cancer in her liver combined with an infection was shutting her body down. Uncertain as to what we should do, we trusted God and got on the plane. We had a baby shower planned and were unsure of what would happen. The day after we arrived in Perth, Julie passed and the next week was a stressful blur for Stu trying to work out if he should fly back straight away or closer to the funeral. It was also Easter weekend and flights were impossibly expensive. Instead of rushing back to sit around for a week, we took a brief trip down to our favourite beachside destination in Geographe Bay and then took Stu to the airport so he could get home in time for the funeral. 

Julie was a remarkable woman and I am ever grateful for the son she created. He is an amazing man and I am lucky to be married to him. 

 April arrived and my plans to work until 33 weeks were put on hold with the arrival of preeclampsia, a high-risk pregnancy illness that elevates the blood pressure to dangerous levels, placing strain on the baby’s heart. I began my maternity leave at 30 weeks, 8 weeks before my suggested term c-section, entering into twice-weekly day stays at the hospital to monitor baby Skywalker’s little heart. As if the swelling and stress wasn’t enough, we moved house 4 days before I was admitted to hospital, and 6 days before we welcomed our son into this beautiful world. I spent 5 days in the complex care ward under constant monitoring and plugged into a number of lines.

 It was worth it though, as on May 19th at 9:37am our entire world changed for the better. Samuel Jasper Walker was born at 33 weeks and 6 days by emergency c-section, and my heart felt as full as it could possibly be. He spent nearly 3 weeks in the special care nursery due to being so premature and I spent 11 days recovering from eclampsia symptoms and migraines so bad only morphine could provide relief. I was in a bubble; a beautiful oxytocin bubble of joy, bliss, peace and love I could never adequately describe for my son and husband. I existed on the fine edge of a new mother’s emotions, surging with the power and fury of a hurricane at the edges of perfect calm.

We brought Sam home and spent the 6 weeks together, courtesy of Stu having enough carers leave to take the time off to help me as I recovered from the C sec. 

 Then came the challenging part. The pregnancy, the preeclampsia, the emergency surgery, the delivery and recovery all pales in comparison to the learning curve that is parenting for the first time. I had to learn a lot and quickly, and alone, with no family to support us in Melbourne. It has been a joyful, exhausting, overwhelming experience for me, but with every day that passes, no matter how challenging, my heart continues to expand to volumes I didn’t know I had the capacity to feel. Some days it might burst, like the first time I heard Sam laugh, or in the morning when he smiles at me as if I am the whole universe.

 I never thought putting my own needs and myself after someone else could feel so fulfilling. I never dreamed having someone in my space all day every day could make me so happy. I didn’t know I was capable of this kind of love. It is, quite simply, still blowing me away. 

 It’s been 5 years since Kristian passed away on Monday. I like to think he would be proud of me and my life these days. I’ve found who I am and exactly where I belong being Sam’s mum and Stu’s wife, and most importantly, being me. It hasn’t been an “easy” year, but damned if it’s not been the greatest one of my entire life. 

 So as we close out 2016, I am thankful beyond words. For my blessings, for my challenges, for my husband, for my family, for my son. For my life. 

Thank you, 2016, for the lessons you’ve taught me and the things I’ve gained this year. You were one that will go down in my history as the most life changing yet. 

Happy New Year to you.

Love, The Walkers.

A Decade And A Lifetime.

We were young eyes with old souls when we met in the springtime of our twenties. I fell in love with your kind eyes and gentle mouth long before it ever kissed mine. Some people say you just know when you meet that one person who’ll set your soul on fire for the rest of your days and I did. I knew you were meant to be mine always.

A decade is a long time by today’s measures; not many people can commit to weeks let alone months, let alone years, and yet here we are, ten years strong, four years tied by the covenant we made. I still remember the look on your face as I saw you for the first time at the altar, it was everything I had hoped your heart would scream in that silent moment.

I wanted to run, not walk into  our future together the moment I met you and also on this day when you promised to always take the path together as husband and wife.

Not a day that goes by where I am not thankful for what we have, in amongst the chaos of the dishes, nappies, sleeplessness and schedules. You are the anchor, you are the rudder and you are the sails. You give me strength, direction and momentum to continue into the future in store for us.

You’ve given me the most beautiful gift in our son. He is so like you and I am so glad. You are the man I hoped and dreamed of, even when my mind couldn’t imagine you were real. If our son grows to be half the man you are the world will be all the sweeter, better, kinder, wiser, gentler because of it.

We’ve walked a pretty rocky road these past 10 years. And not one of those steps was taken with carelessness on your part. While I skip ahead, darting from stone to stone, admiring the flowers and clouds and being distracted by my impulses and passions, you are keeping us on the path to joy and love.

You still make my heart beat faster, all these years later.

Thank you for the past decade.

I can’t wait to live the next one with you, teaching Sammy how love is a commitment for lifetimes, all made up of decades, years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes and seconds of choosing love always.

Happy 4th wedding anniversary Baby.
I love you more than ever.



The Sam Diaries

Life with our little Bear Cub is a constant, evolving and enriching experience. We have seen him grow so much over the past 5 months, I can’t believe he is 5 months old tomorrow! It fills my heart with so much joy that on more than one occasion I have found myself with tears streaming down my face just looking at him.

His little personality has begun to unfold like a little flower. We are seeing more and more of it with each week that passes. He has a real cuddly temperament, but is strong and independent in his own company. Happy to just chill and enjoy his toys on the play mat, but absolutely lights up when you engage with him while he plays. He gives the sweetest, cheekiest smiles, chuckles and squeaks. He has the most expressive eyes I’ve ever seen on a baby.


Classic Samface!



All pooped after swimming class


On one of our neighbourhood walks…

He is a relaxed and calm little man. I knew this when he was conceived, so to see it in him every day is reassuring for my mother’s instinct. Amongst his mother’s group friends he is definitely the quiet one, happy to sit back and take in all the other babies as they do their thing.


I am woken every morning by the biggest smiles, the way he looks at me makes me feel as if I am the centre of his universe. I suppose I am for now, and I am enjoying that so much. His favourite activity is without a doubt the jolly jumper – he knows what “Jumpy jump” means, his little legs begin thrashing wildly when it is mentioned. He has just started grabbing things and pulling them up to his mouth, he loves his dangly monkey toy for this reason. He still hates tummy time. He has all but stopped breastfeeding, but is still given expressed breast milk in a bottle. And that’s ok.


Our favourite activity!



We took a trip to the zoo where a mother Orangutan became fascinated by Sammy in my arms. She kept gesturing and looking at him with the most beautiful compassion in her eyes. It was such a great experience!!


The Orangutan was fascinated…

We celebrated our first Father’s Day with Daddy by reading story books about hockey before bed.

sammy5Daddy reading Sam his Edmonton Oilers story book

We also took our first flight together a few weeks back, just me and Sammy; we went to visit Grammy in Perth. Sammy took it like a champion, sleeping for most of the flight over and the entire flight on the way home. Those precious days in Perth were also a great recharger for me. There’s nothing quite like being home with Mum. ❤


Sleeping on the plane on the way to Perth…


Sammy spending some time with Grammy in Perth


All dressed up for church!


Slept the entire flight home to Melbourne!



If you are following us on social media, you’ll have seen a lot of these photos already. If you would like to follow us, my instagram is _bethwalker. I post daily updates and pictures/videos of our baby Skywalker. He is the best thing I’ve ever been given. We are truly blessed.